I couldn’t sleep last night because death was on my mind. Not in a morbid way, but in that “we are all mortal” way. A friend or someone I used to know and haven’t spoken to in years, passed away yesterday. I have to preface that I’m from a small town. I’ve moved away, seen the world and yet still returned to raise my family here. However, I think that coming from a small town only enhances the sadness of death that comes with knowing almost everyone in one way or another. And these are the moments, that make coming from a small town, that leave you feeling betrayed by its’ intimacy.
I spoke with my bff yesterday morning and asked if now, that we are older, is this the norm? She reminded me that it only gets worse the older we get. But this doesn’t change that every single time that someone passes who is just way too young to do so, it makes me question my mortality.
My heart is heavy. He didn’t die because he did something stupid, it was a freak accident. Locally, not while traveling somewhere, not od’ing on drugs. Just while doing an everyday thing, driving.
All day, I’ve been thinking about the fact that I need to write a will, but it comes out comical, and we all know that’s my defense mechanism when dealing with death.
I have escaped death too many times. And today, I can’t help but feel selfish. Selfish because I’m here. That I get to live another day.
Last night I cried for him. For his family. For all the other people that I have lost way too soon. I had my daughter sleep in my bed last night and I it only made me cry harder. While hugging her, I couldn’t help but think of all those quotes about life being too short:
Go for it now. The future is promised to no one. ~Wayne Dyer
Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today. ~James Dean
The important thing is not how many years in your life but how much life in your years. ~Edward J. Stieglitz
But, this is not meant to be a sad post. It’s to remind you that as cliched as those quotes are, we need to remember them and take each day as a gift. I am not religious. I do not pray to any god, but it’s important to take time out of each day and hug your kids, tell your friends and family you love them and just be mindful and thankful of what you have. I think we all need a reminder to love ourselves more. Don’t wait! Take that trip you’ve always wanted to do, but keep telling yourself you can do it later. Make some art. Take a chance. Read more. Love more. Embrace change. Even if it’s something little, just do it because tomorrow isn’t ever promised.